Kindle the swindle.

My apologies for the grumpy post. I was going on only a bowl of cereal (in 12 hours, and that is NOTHING for me), 3 hours of sleep, a pot of coffee, and two midterms. I had discovered some comments that were less than complimentary and they chafed my ego, to say the least.

I would, however, like to thank those that massaged my bruised ego and sent me compliments. You guys are the best! Cupcakes for everyone!

I would like to answer a question that many people are asking me about my previous post. In response to an anonymous poster saying “nothing as interesting as a wealthy white girl’s life” I explained that I am neither wealthy nor white. I admit, this was a clever ruse. Although I am not wealthy (who IS wealthy at the age of 21? Not this girl), I am what some people would call “white.” “White” is SO boring. When I was little I called myself “golden.” So suck on that.

There is something that I have been itching to write about that has been heavy on my heart. Something that is just too much for me. Today, whilst watching The View (I only watched it because my obsession, Bethenny Frankel, was on co-hosting) they spoke about this thing that has turned my world upside down and shattered my life, emotionally. The Kindle.

I can’t do it. I just can’t. There are several reasons for my insistence upon rejecting this piece of “technology.” Here goes:
1. You can’t smell the book. This may be weird and creepy to some but the smell of new books, library books, books from my home, books from my elementary school, and books from my favorite bookstore have always been comforting to me. Like mashed potatoes. Or pinot grigio.

2. You can’t turn the pages! What a beautiful sound. To live without it is like a day without a good glass of wine: theft. The digital sound doesn’t count. Ew.

3. The feel of the paper and the words on the paper. You may say you can’t feel the bumps that are raised on the pages, but I can. Touching a screen just isn’t the same, obviously. It’s my version of Braille.

4. They steal author’s work! I had a teacher whose work was stolen, plain and simple, by Amazon. As a writer, this is all we’ve got! Nothing else. I’m counting on you folks to pay my grocery bill (actually that would be my parents at the current moment but next year I will) and how am I supposed to be able to do that when I have the imminent fear of my work being stolen? Unfortunately, my work isn’t good enough to be stolen right now, but you get the idea.

5. You have no relationship with the book you’re reading. As a reader and a writer, I like to love my books. I treat them with the kindness and respect their author has treated them. I know I have truly loved a book when it does not close fully when it is sitting on my desk. Each page is a masterpiece. As a writer, I understand the work that has gone into their book and I oftentimes feel a relationship with the author. I can empathize with them. That sounded kind of sexual. Whatever, I like books okay?

6. You look like a douche holding one. There is a guy in my class who has one of these things. He not only looks like a loser, he looks like he is too persnickety to use anything that isn’t technically installed. Gross, bye. Go back to Best Buy. How much do you want to bet he works at Geek Squad?

In short, don’t buy it. It’s just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong! I can’t say it enough. I’m concerned that children’s books are going to take this route. Then what do I do with my career? Oye. I’m getting a little worked up. I need to cool it down, where is my wine?

After careful and thoughtful consideration, I have decided that if I am ever to actually have something published and develop some figment of a career, my publicist will be June. As my roommate and BFFFL (best friend forever for life, duh) who better to make me sound better than I actually am? Although marketing is not her direct specialty, she has taken the reigns of telling everyone how funny I am all the time. She laughs at literally everything I say and when she introduces me to people she always says, “This is Anna. She is soooooooooo funny. Read her blog.” What could be better? Although sometimes I fear that I cannot live up to the expectations of others, one thing is always for sure, June will think I’m funny forever and always, in the words of Taylor Swift.

After writing only one sentence about pageantry in my previous post, I have decided to delve into this strange and complicated world. The only grand supreme thing I’ve ever had is a pizza. Why Mommy, why? Was I not pretty enough as a child? False. I did some amateur modeling in my time. It was for Dillard’s, but who’s counting?

I’m kind of stealing this “Why wasn’t I in pageants?” riff from Kathy Griffin (because she is the funniest B on the planet) but I don’t think she would mind. After a comment by my dear friend, Charlotte, I have decided it is time. Time to become grand supreme. I will be entering a pageant in the near future. In the mean time, I need to practice my cupcake hands, work on my faux tan, and get a flipper.