Is that a baby in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

After watching an episode of “Bethenny Getting Married?” tonight and having an introspective conversation with myself I have made a life changing decision. I am most likely not going to have children.

I have always wanted to have children and live the fairy book life but that just doesn’t seem to be a very good plan to me anymore. The main reason I don’t want to get pregnant is for the sake of fatness. I don’t ever want to be morbidly obese and I can see myself getting that way during pregnancy. I love food and love any excuse to eat enough for a family of 10, much less a family of 12. I know myself, and I know that I would use a pregnancy as an excuse to eat as much as I can possibly shove in my face. I am willing to bet that I wouldn’t hesitate to stick my face in a vat of cheese dip.

I don’t want to be crazy, either. I have raging hormones on a daily basis and especially during my “fun time” as Jake likes to call it. I am fairly certain that this week is quite the opposite of fun for him. I get a liiiiiiittle crazy sometimes. I could only imagine the kind of maniac I would turn into if I were fat and hormonal at the same time. I don’t know if Jake could take it. It would be a war zone.

Through my life as a woman, I have heard horror stories about women giving birth: pooping yourself, ripping your womanly parts wide open, getting them sewn back together wrong, and the worst of these: crowning. None of this sounds the least bit appealing to me. It makes me clench my inner thighs (a good workout to avoid obesity) just thinking about my twinkle being ripped in half. I like it just the way it is, thank you sir.

The final reason I would rather not have children is because it seems they borderline ruin your lives. I LOVE kids, don’t get me wrong. But sometimes they can just be too much. I like to take them in doses, like some of my super intense friends. I can only take so much at a time. I hear all these moms saying, “Oh they bring so much joy into my life.” Really? Then why are you popping a xanax every ten minutes? Riddle me that, mommy.

I think I like my sleep too much to wake up in the middle of the night to feed another human from my teet. It’s just not for me. Also, I hear of all these mothers grappling between their careers and being a mother. I don’t want to have to choose. I want to do both.

I think adoption would be my best choice. Then I don’t have to worry about the hormone, fatness, vaginal rippage scenario. Maybe I’ll have kids, maybe I won’t. Only time will tell. As of this moment, they don’t sound too appealing to my body.