Tuesday, August 31, 2010

A hair-brained idea.



I am currently in the middle of an existential crisis.  Why you ask?  Where is my life going?  I do not know.  Does my life at its current stage have any meaning whatsoever? 

I am struggling between a few completely different directions in which my life could go.  Do I want to have the wonderfully artistic lifestyle of which I have always dreamt (being a writer)?  Or do I want to be the power suit wearing, ball busting, career woman I know that I could be?  Or should I choose my dream of dreams: teaching preschool (eating canned beans for dinner and living in a cardboard box, literally)?  This is my crisis.  Where is my life going?!?!!?!?!?!

Am I the only one feeling this way?  Hello out there…….. I feel like I’m floating in outer space yelling into the blackness that is the universe.  Can anyone hear me?

Since my whole “Writing for Children” plan of graduate school didn’t work out I’m looking elsewhere.  I never believed that I would say this, but I’m thinking about going to the University of Arkansas: the old family stomping grounds.  Turns out they have a really great creative writing program so I’m going to test the waters.

Every time I go to Fayetteville I feel as if I am somehow more connected to my father.  He went to Arkansas and apparently was quite the party animal.  Maybe that’s where I get it (even though I didn’t go out this weekend, sleeping is higher on my list of things to do).  One of my favorite things to do is hear of stories of crazy things my dad did whilst living the collegiate life.

My Mom lived there too supporting her loser of an ex-husband through law school.  She got lucky meeting my dad because from what I heard around town, this guy was a real champ.  And by champ I mean Freak with a capital F.  Not to mention a lying, cheating, adulterer.  But that's neither here not there. 

My Mom has thousands of interesting stories from when she was between men (i.e. time between her ex and my dad) but one of my favorites is this one (this is for you, Charlotte):

This huge creep asked my Mom on a date.  Being the lady that she is, she accepted (I wouldn’t have).  Before the date, one of her friend’s husband’s came and knocked on her classroom door (she taught sixth grade) and told her that this fine specimen wanted to take her out to a Razorback game (woo pig sooie) and had just bought a new leather flight jacket.  Not only is being single after 9 years and 49 weeks of marriage bad enough, this guy was awful, just awful.  Clearly.  That night, when my Mom gets home from school her phone is ringing.  It’s Tommy.  He says, “So, I heard you want to go out with me.”  Wow.  Then he continues, “I want to take you out.”  Mom says, “That would be nice, Tommy.  I would like that sometime.” 
“No, I want to take you out tonight.” 
“Well, I’m sorry but I teach a class until 9 tonight.”
“I’ll pick you up at 9:15.”
 So this guy rolls up in one of those half truck half car, you know what I’m talking about.  He asks Mom if she likes his jacket.  Before she knows what is happening, they are at Shoney’s.  What a wonderful and romantic place for a date, right?  He tells her she can order anything she wants.  Gee, thanks.  What a big spender.  The waitress comes over says hello and asks, “Would you like the usual?”  The manager then comes over and Tommy stands up.  They take turns looking at my Mom until Tommy says, “Isn’t she beautiful?” he says about my Mom.  Sweet, but creepy.  Then, he holds his bangs up and says, “Can you tell I’ve had a hair transplant?”  My Mom relates his head to that of a Barbie Doll. 

And that, my friends, is why to never date a man with hair plugs. 

No comments:

Post a Comment