If you had to choose, would you save a shark or LL Cool J?

There are so many things I want to write about but I can’t.  Jacques says I can’t be too revealing.  Jacques is my recently hired agent, editor, and manager.  He is a man that I have discovered through this blog.  He read it and thought I was brilliant and offered me a deal.  Since I can’t write about what I really want to write about I’ll write about what I don’t feel like writing about.  (Figure that one out, a little redundant, eh?)  I’ve been doing academic writing all day for my graduate school applications and want to do some fun writing.

This past Friday night was fun but not too fun.  Crazy but not too crazy.  Definitely not one for the books.  However, I was given knowledge by some of my single ladies.  Since it has almost been a year and a half since I’ve done the single pants dance, I have forgotten all the ways of reeling in a man. 

My friends reminded me that sometimes, you just have to use a guy to buy you drinks.  Being that I have a conscience, I never really did this.  Some of my friends have really mastered this art, and the boys totally fall for it…every time.  If I were a boy I would see straight through these shenanigans, but being that I am a woman, I am much smarter than most men.

Speaking of men, it’s shark week.  This is how enthusiastic I am about it.  It seems as if every male species on the planet climaxes for this stupid week.  I watched a moment of it just to see what all the buzz was about.  I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure they showed the same clip of a great white shark destroying a poor seal L 30 times. 

I didn’t realize this until today, but I’ve always thought all sharks were male.  Maybe this says something deeply psychological about me.  I have never thought of sharks (especially the mean ones i.e. great white attackers) as women until I realized today there had to be female sharks in order for the species to reproduce.  Biology never really was my thing, as I had to take it twice in college.  Think about it, what do you think when you hear of a sweet little boy being eaten up by a shark in Florida?  Do you think, must be a mommy shark, or it must be a mean alpha male shark?  The latter of the two, obviously.

The real thing that irritated me about these shark week antics is how the marine biologists are so concerned about the shark population and how we should embrace sharks rather than fear them.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  Riddle me this, biologist: if sharks are so peaceful, then please take your time explaining to that surfer girl why a shark bit off her arms.  These people are just huge weirdos.  I may be a cat lady, but at least I’m not a shark lady.

Remember that movie Deep Blue Sea?  Where a bunch of idiots became “friends” with a shark and tested its smarts… and then it killed all of them.  All of them except LL Cool J.  He always survives.  This is exactly what is going to happen to all of these crazy cage divers.  It doesn’t seem like the cage is sturdy enough to keep a gigantor shark out of there.  I think a shark nearly eating your face off would even scare the hair off of Chewbacca.  Jake claims he wants to go cage diving but I think he just talks a big game.  I think he would pee his pants if he did such a thing.  But I guess it wouldn’t matter since he would be under water.

I’m too paranoid to watch Shark Week anyway.  I once watched the E! Investigates: Shark Attacks and didn’t swim in the ocean for 5 years.  I’m being serious.  I guess 5 years from now I will swim again.  That’s why the lake is king, there are no sharks, jellyfish, or mermaids.